


break up the dark.

by sasiml



Category: Camp Rock (2008)
Genre: F/M, so those are going to be specific triggers, this is about shanes journey to sobriety and his mental health, this might be the most on brand thing ive ever written, unbetaed because whos gonna beta a camp rock fic im the only person here!!, word association poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19023310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasiml/pseuds/sasiml
Summary: one moment you are a child playing in dingy clubs in echo park.you are screaming for someone to notice you.but then everyone Does.and you can’t breathe.





	break up the dark.

you are 

thirteen 

when the 

world 

starts 

spinning

so 

fast

you can’t 

believe

it hasn’t 

fallen

off its axis.

 

the 

connection

brought you in,

it’s 

not 

nepotism

technically. 

 

you shake hand after hand after hand, 

adults in

fine tailored suits 

who can put a diet coke in your hand

at the drop of a hat

and make all your dreams come true. 

 

..

 

the debut album drops,

and so does the other shoe. 

 

one moment you are a 

child

playing in 

dingy clubs 

in echo park. 

 

you are 

screaming 

for someone 

to 

notice you.

 

but 

then

everyone

Does.

 

and you can’t breathe.

 

..

 

what even 

is the 

point?

 

you wrote 

twenty nine songs

for your sophomore album.

 

your brothers 

wrote a combined 

fifty three. 

 

four end up on the album.

you are allowed to put your names on the others. 

 

_It’s more than others get_

they tell you.

 

but 

everyone

else?

 

they get what you’ve

always 

wanted.

 

you are

_angry_.

 

you are

_livid._

you feel 

cheated

and muted

and _lied to._

what are you 

getting from this?

 

the money,

sure.

 

but not for 

_your_

music.

 

you exist as a 

stand-in.

it has

nothing

to do

with

you.

 

you are no more than a 

statue.

 

the screaming turns literal.

….

 

you are 

fifteen

when you 

realize

 

you spend

more time

anticipating

being in the

back room

of some 

velvet rope

 

then you do 

being on

the stage.

 

...

 

the first time

was

three days

after the album 

you

barely

touched

goes platinum.

 

it’s

Jason

who takes you 

ironically.

 

the bouncer

doesn’t

ask

for either of your id’s

and you

think

you 

might 

be able

to get away with 

anything.

 

…

 

you are in a 

hotel room

with

twenty people

you

think

are your friends.

 

there are 

empty glasses 

littering the 

room

 

you 

think

six

may be 

yours

but you

lost

count.

 

these are

new

friends.

 

you trust 

maybe

two.

 

(looking back, it should have been less.)

 

euphoria 

comes through your nose

and flows through your skull.

 

you have 

never

been so

powerful.

 

(you won’t be in the morning.)

 

…

 

it was

stupid

really.

 

everyone knows

your coffee 

order,

 

and some 

p.a.

got it

wrong.

 

it wasn’t even

your worst

blow up

 

but 

apparently 

it’s the 

last

one you are

allowed.

 

you 

are

told

you’re going

to a 

festival

when you 

get in 

the car.

 

that is

not

the case.

 

take a 

summer,

 

your brothers

relay.

 

get 

clean.

 

go up north.

 

ride out the scandal.

 

every 

inch

of your body

feels like

its 

on 

fire.

 

….

 

everything

spins out of

control.

 

you 

beg

your brothers

to take you home.

 

they will not.

 

you 

refuse

to leave

your cabin.

 

your uncle

drags 

you out.

 

in retrospect

you realize

this must have been

the plan.

…. 

 

you meet

a girl

and it’s like a

supernova

has burst across

your world.

 

she is 

witty,

sarcastic,

loyal,

and not yet 

jaded. 

 

she is

idealistic

in all the ways

you 

used 

to be.

when it 

felt

like the whole

world

was waiting for you.

 

she doesn’t so much 

tear down 

your walls 

as she does

completely

ignore

that they were

ever there 

to begin with.

 

something

_happens_.

 

you 

fall

in 

_love_.

 

…

 

you get a

dual 

diagnosis.

 

you’re told

it's very common.

 

addiction 

is 

usually 

tied to 

something 

else

entirely.

 

you get on

medication.

 

you work

hard

at your

therapy.

 

but you don’t

feel

mentally

ill.

 

you have

a remedy

in your 

pocket.

 

you can pull out

your phone

and she’s

right

there.

 

….

 

it’s harder

when you’re

together.

 

when you 

have 

to give up 

control.

 

sharing 

a

life

proves 

much more

difficult

than

sharing

your

life.

 

still

 

a fight

breaks out

you 

walk away.

 

you are

learning

every day.

 

and 

by some miracle

she decides

to learn 

with you.

 

…. 

 

the music

gets 

better.

 

and

so

do

you.

 

….

 

 

she starts

visiting

more

 

and you 

start 

making

plans.

 

nonsensical

whispers

about what

could

be.

 

secrets 

traded

 

weekends in

hotel rooms

with 

 

just

one

other 

person

now.

 

a 

real

friend.

 

you

want

her to 

swallow you

whole.

 

if you 

bury

yourself

deep enough,

you

think 

you

may

be able to

hide

in her

forever.

 

….

 

it

doesn’t

fail to 

dawn

on you

 

that

you

changed 

everything

for her

as

you 

did for

yourself. 

 

literally

any

future

is a 

possibility

for

both

of you

now.

 

she 

chooses

the one

she 

planned

 

and lets

you

join.

 

…..

 

the

summer

before

 

is the

best

one

yet.

 

the

excitement

at having

more

than just

six weeks

 

turns into

overwhelming 

joy.

 

who 

said 

love

was

hard?

 

she

moves

to

your

city

 

and while

you

may

not be

the entire

reason

you 

are

a big 

one.

 

you’re

four

years

in

 

and

you

think

you

couldn’t 

be

happier.

 

….

 

but

 

it gets

lonely.

 

she has

orientation

and

class

and

homework

 

and a

whole

life

 

that you are not a part of.

 

she

offers

to bring

you

along.

 

you 

both

know

that's not

a good

idea.

 

still,

she 

comes

over 

on weekends. 

 

 

 

you 

buy 

a place

in the

holmby hills

just 

because

you 

can. 

 

you 

record

things

that will

never see

the light

of day

in the

back.

 

just 

because

you can.

 

you

are

alive.

 

you

are 

young.

 

you 

have

the whole world

at your hands.

 

until

she

leaves

you

alone.

 

….

 

you’ve

been

with

this girl

since 

you

were

sixteen,

 

your therapist

tells you.

 

you 

don’t 

know

what

the world

looks

like.

 

no,

you say.

 

but you 

know 

what it 

looked like 

before.

….

 

her

sophomore

fall

 

the

band

takes

a 

break.

 

I don’t

know

who

I am,

 

your

little

brother

tells you.

 

it hits

a 

nerve.

 

everyone

just

wants

to leave

you.

 

….

 

I’m

not

leaving

you,

 

she says

while

she 

packs

for a conference 

for 

her

major

 

in what is 

now

your

shared

home.

 

still,

it’s 

bad

timing.

 

….

 

you 

find

yourself

shaking

against

the slate

of a bathroom

somewhere

on 

santa monica

 

with

people

you 

have not

spoken with

in 

five

years.

 

are 

you

allowed

to go

home

after

you

relapse?

 

or do

you

stay

in this 

hole

for 

another 

two

years.

 

you don’t call

your sponsor

or

your girlfriend.

 

….

 

 

she

likes

the weed

and

the scotch,

 

she 

still notices

their 

larger

presence. 

 

she notices

you

biting

her 

head off

more 

than

usual.

 

accusing 

her

of 

wanting

to

leave

you

too.

 

 

she 

does not

notice

that you

stopped

going

to 

therapy

four 

weeks 

ago.

 

….

 

everyone

relapses,

 

you tell

yourself.

 

the

fighting

will

stop

when you

decide

to 

get clean,

 

you tell 

yourself.

 

ignoring

that the 

fighting

is one

of 

two

constants

in

this

relationship.

 

you

usually 

meet

at the 

end

of the

night,

 

but

you

stop sleeping.

 

you both

can’t

seem

to decide

if it’s all

about

you

 

or 

all

about

her.

 

she 

became a 

minor 

public figure

 

an extension

of 

your

halted

career.

 

you 

follow

everyone’s

lead

but your own.

 

….

 

I need

a break,

 

she says

before

christmas.

 

she 

usually

reminds

you

she’s

coming back.

 

she 

doesn’t

this 

time.

  

 

 

 

 

 

you do

not

beg

her to

stay.  

 

you

watch

her 

shut

the door.

 

but 

you 

cannot

process it.

 

…. 

 

you 

cannot

stay

on this

couch.

 

you 

slam

the front

door

 

and 

keep

walking.

 

would

she

have stayed

if she had

gone

through

your bathroom

drawer?

 

maybe

trust

is 

overrated.

 

it’s 

cold

for 

LA. 

 

you still

don’t

know

if 

it’s

real.

 

….

 

it’s a 

sixty 

dollar

uber fare

 

to get to

your

eldest

brother’s

new 

home.

 

this 

hippie

place

nestled in the

topanga

foothills.

 

but you

sit 

on his

steps

for hours

until

finally

 

he finds you.

 

he always does.

 

….

 

does 

Mitchie 

know?

 

no.

 

Nate?

 

you scoff.

 

when was 

the last time

you spoke 

with

your 

sponsor?

 

you 

can’t 

remember.

 

….

 

don’t

tell

her

please.

 

you 

beg

while

you sign

away

control.

 

she

never

knew me

like

this.

 

Jason

says

nothing.

 

….

 

why 

didn’t

you stop

drinking 

when

you 

got

off

narcotics? 

 

they ask. 

 

you

didn’t

have

to.

 

you answer. 

 

…. 

 

it turns

out

the world

before

her

 

is

better

than 

knowing

she’s out there

without

you.

 

she’s

just with

her

parents,

 

Nate 

tells you.

 

I can

call

her. 

she’ll come

if I

call,

 

he says.

 

you’re

tired

of only getting

attention

when

you’re 

collapsing.

 

…. 

 

your

brothers

stick 

around.

 

you 

mostly

pick

at 

Nate.

 

he dumped

you.

 

and

then 

so did

his

best

friend.

 

in retrospect

this

is 

probably

why 

he

calls

her.

 

….

 

you sit

across from

each other

on 

either end

of a

plastic 

couch.

 

how long?

she asks.

 

five 

days.

you say.

you’re not 

sure.

 

no.

she says.

 

how long

since

I started

pulling

away.

 

you 

choke

out a 

sob.

 

overcome

with 

seven

sorts

of 

guilt.

 

I’m _sorry._

you 

whisper

into

the palm

of 

her

hand.

 

…. 

 

they let

you 

go 

home

 

she

lets you

come

home.

 

your brother

is tasked

with 

babysitting.

 

for

a 

while.

 

you 

have

to

go back

to therapy

daily.

 

meetings

too.

 

for

a 

while.

 

but

you

keep 

moving.

 

….

 

they say

you 

should

rebuild

entirely.

 

you

think

there’s 

too much

love

that

you

can’t possibly

leave 

behind.

 

this is

the 

second

time

they’ve all

caught

you.

 

you do

everything

in

your

power

to make 

sure

it is

their

last.

….

you

ok

going

up to 

camp

this

summer?

 

she asks

one

afternoon,

 

when the 

sun 

shines

through the drapes

and 

everything

feels

like the 

good

times,

but also

so

very

new.

 

your smile

falls

in 

her lap.

 

it’s 

exactly

where you

need

to 

be.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on my social!
> 
> tumblr - @lvatt  
> twitter - @rachel_daddow


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